Before we started our adoption I didn't think I was a control freak (although some of you may disagree:)). I don't like confrontation and I like to kind of go with the flow of things. However, our adoption journey has made me realize that I like to be in control of certain areas of my life...the biggest thing being our plans for our growing family. I had it all mapped out last summer. I just knew that we were going to have our little guy home now and that we would have the entire summer to hang out.
Last October, I kind of had a melt down at work one day (although no one knew because I went off in my car at lunch and just cried). I was trying to control our adoption plans. I was trying to find a way to bring our little guy home in a more timely manner, and I was just trying to do everything I could to keep "my plan" in place. I realized on that Tuesday afternoon that I couldn't do it by myself. I had to give it up to God. I felt a peace come over me like nothing I've experienced before.
I've learned throughout this process that God is in control. Obviously, I have days when I feel discouraged and I want to look at other possibilities or agencies to help us bring our baby home.
The other day I saw a blog that said, "Important Information for Ethiopia Adoptive Parents...our agency has received MANY new referrals. Please let us know if you are interested." I was...I couldn't believe it. I read (and then had a chat with a friend about this blog)and even told Jeremiah about it. The next day I realized that I didn't even pray about it. How could I do this to my God? After all we have been through during the past year and after realizing that I can not control the outcome of our adoption, I still tried to control it.
As I sat down to read my devotional today, I looked at our computer. I thought I would just check to make sure I didn't have an e-mail from our case worker about any news before I started my devotion. Like every other day, I opened up my e-mail and did not have an e-mail from our case worker. Then I sat down to get started on my devotion.
In my devotional today, there was a story in it about a King who hired workers. I won't tell you the entire story, but just a summary. Basically, some of the workers were first in line and demanded work. They didn't really listen to the owner and ended up not being satisfied. Other workers were patient and trusted the owner to give them what was right for them. They ended up being satisfied and were rewarded for their patience. Another part of my devotional stated "To wait in the biblical sense means to gather, to watch, or to expect. It is never passive; it is active. Such waiting is never wasted, but productive." David tells us to "Wait on the Lord; be of good courage, and He shall strengthen your heart; wait, I say, on the Lord! (Ps. 27:14)" I started laughing because I knew I needed to read this today.
One of my favorite bible verses comes from 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18. It says,"Be full of joy all the time. Never stop praying. In everything give thanks. This is what God wants you to do because of Christ Jesus." I sat down to think about this verse. I looked it up in many different translations and I realized that every single one said, "Never stop praying." As a Christian I know to pray about things always. I am constantly praying for others and their needs. I am constantly praying for Olivia. That she grows up to be a woman of God..that she marries a Christian man who loves her like Jeremiah loves us. I am constantly praying for our little guy. That he would remain safe and feel loved until we can wrap our arms around his little body. But...I'll be honest, I have not been great at praying about our adoption journey. I haven't been great at praising God for all the amazing things that he has done through our adoption thus far. I needed this devotional today. I needed to put myself in the workers shoes who waited all day and trusted that God would give them what was "right for them." I do believe with every ounce of my soul that God is going to give us the perfect child for our family. The one who is "right for us." Why am I still getting frustrated when we haven't moved on the referral wait list? Why am I still checking my e-mail a million times a day thinking that we will receive news? Why am I not "praying without ceasing" over our adoption journey?
When I felt that peace back in October, I knew that God was in control so I kind of stopped praying about our journey (I do pray for our journey, but just probably not as much as I should). While reading my devotional today, I felt convicted because I definitely need to be praying constantly for our adoption journey. I think this will alleviate my frustrations, concerns, and worries. Just like the bible verse above says, I know it will "strengthen my heart" as I wait upon God's plan for our family.
Another thing my devotional said was "God is never late; He is always right on time. The difficulty is that we try to force Him onto our earthy timetable instead of adjusting to His heavenly schedule. Only through faith and patience do we obtain God's promises."
As I stated above, I was trying to force God's plan into my timetable. I wanted so badly to believe that our baby would be home this summer and that I would be loving on my two kids like crazy. God is teaching me through this journey..teaching me that His plans are way better than mine. I've already started to see that and I hope to continue to trust and pray (pray without ceasing!) that just like my own father, He has only the best intentions for our family. Before our baby was born, God knew that the little guy would be a "Cox" one day and God is just waiting for the perfect time to bring him to our family. It's pretty neat to read the words "God is never late." I know that I will look back on this waiting period and praise God for it. I know that God is using this time to transform my heart...to dig deeper and fall more in love with Him during this journey.
Since you made it this far and read the entire book I just wrote...here are a few pictures of our family hanging out.